Love and Dating - Make it Your Business

By Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.

Adam is 37 years old, single, and a successful financial analyst. Adam has a track record of picking quality people to work with and profitable business ventures to pursue. Hence, he has created a loyal group of colleagues and clients who trust that whatever project Adam invites them to participate in, they will all profit

Celia, a 47 year old medical researcher, was happily married for 20 years before her husband suddenly died. Celia subsequently poured herself into her work and made many significant contributions to science. She has such a good name in her scientific community that she is frequently invited to meetings and conferences to share her discoveries, and to participate in other important research projects.

Both Adam and Celia derive a great deal of gratification and pleasure from their professional pursuits. But neither of them is totally happy in their lives. Despite their professional accomplishments, Adam and Celia share a secret - they each long for a loving companion, a partner with whom to share their successes, and their lives.

Celia’s desire to remarry prompted her to join an online dating website. She dedicated herself to creating a profile to attract the kind of men she wanted to meet. Rather than use the personnel photo from her research institution, she invested in professional photos that reflected her passion and her spirit. She also asked people she knew to arrange blind dates, and began to attend events where she could meet other singles sharing her interests.

Adam knew that he’d have to make finding a life partner a priority, and that dating would require his best time management skills. He crafted an effective online dating profile, learning that being specific about what he wanted could also assist various family members and business partners to suggest women for him to date. He was diligent about making email and phone contacts and scheduling in-person dates. If Adam had to travel for business, he tried to schedule dates to meet women that he had screened ahead of time.

Adam and Celia discovered the dating process to be a rocky road.

They became frustrated seeing the investment of their time frequently turn into rejections and dead ends. Staying focused on dating was especially difficult when each were invited to participate in professional projects promising greater gratification. Adam found himself attracted to new business ventures requiring more travel; Celia had difficulty turning down offers that would make her feel wanted, competent and productive. Rather than continue being discouraged and frustrated by dating, they filled their lives with more work.

Situations such as Adam and Celia’s are typical of many singles today. Their lives are very unbalanced - while they are successful in their professional lives, they feel the opposite in their personal lives, especially viz. relationships. Since their work pursuits provide an environment of mastery, they have frequent opportunities to feel desired, competent and capable. In contrast, their personal lives are full of uncertainty, with little predictability about the outcome of any date, or of any relationship.

What can singles do when they feel pulled away from pursuing a life partner relationship by the familiarity and comfort of work? How can they keep focused on attaining their relationship goals when they encounter so much frustration, disappointment and rejection along the way?

The key is to identify behaviors in your professional life that make for success, and then adapt them to your personal life.

For example, when Adam goes to professional meetings or seminars, he pays close attention to the people who ask questions. If he thinks that someone raises a good point, he will seek them out later to get better acquainted. Adam is frequently successful by following his instincts in this way and meeting potential new partners or clients.

Adam can parlay this strategy into his personal life. By listening closely to what others are saying when he attends classes, parties, or other social functions, he can segue into conversations about mutual interests, and learn more about a person to initiate a potential relationship.

Celia uses the scientific method of "testing hypotheses" in her research, and then gathers information to prove or disprove them. In order to obtain significant results that her colleagues will trust, Celia has to be sure to use reliable tools and methods to conduct careful and thorough investigations. This gives Celia the confidence that her results will contribute to a particular area of science.

This strategy can be utilized while dating as well. Celia can gather information by asking questions, listening to the answers, and observing the behaviors of her dating partners. Celia can use the information she gathers to determine if she wants to continue in a relationship, or not.

Most successful business-people (Donald Trump included, of course) recognize that "the art of the deal" involves a great amount time, patience and commitment. Finding and creating a life partner relationship really is no different.

These are just a few ideas for how to apply successful business strategies to your personal life. Undoubtedly, there are many others. Make it your "business" to find love. Identify the skills you already use in order to get results in your work-life. Then see how these strategies can be applied toward the goal of finding and creating a gratifying life partner relationship.

© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.

About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the "Love Coach" advice column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her "Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com

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