Looking for a
Loving Relationship That Lasts? Here's How!
By Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
The complaint is well known: women meet men
who want to have sex right away, even on the
first date. How can a woman get a man to wait
until she knows him better?
There are a few ways this issue can be addressed,
so I will be making two points: one will pertain
to how a woman presents herself and behaves
on a date, which is addressed specifically
to women. In the second point I will address
the sex and dating issue directly, which will
be of benefit to women as well as men.
When I hear women complain that the
only thing that men are interested in
is sex, I try to get them to look at themselves
first before casting all of the blame
on men. For example, if you are dating
online, what is the message that your
profile conveys about you? Let's start
with your pictures: do you look smartly
attractive in a variety of poses, or do
your pictures instead exude sex with a
"come hither" look? In your
profile, how do you describe yourself,
the men who interest you, and your ideal
date? If it contains too many references
to romance, this can be confused with
wanting sex.
So be sure that your profile makes you
sound appealing while simultaneously showing
you as a woman of substance who is looking
for a solid guy.
How do you behave while on the first
date? It's important that you act in a
friendly, but not too flirtatious manner.
Make sure that you are wearing attractive
(but not too sexy) clothes and that your
shade of lipstick doesn't shout out "kiss
me!" A man will respond to your lead
if you start to touch him, so make sure
that your gestures are meant to be friendly,
not ones that would convey an interest
in being grabbed and hotly pursued.
Even if a woman passes her own assessment
of the cues and clues that she communicates,
it's important to remember just how powerful
sex hormones can be. Since there is a
natural biological basis to chemistry
and attraction, it will call out to be
gratified. Instead of going for instant
gratification, I suggest that singles
channel their experience of chemistry
to concentrate on learning more about
their dating partner-to determine if you
share a similar life path, and see if
s/he has the necessary enduring qualities
essential for a creating a committed relationship.
This kind of learning is best accomplished
when you spend your time together asking
questions, listening to answers, and paying
attention to behaviors.
But what happens if you and your dating
partner end up in "lip lock"
and are headed towards the bedroom? Sure,
you might "learn" a lot about
each other, but not with the same objectivity
had you kept your clothes on. So it's
important that you and your dating partner
have the same answer to this question--
what are you looking for in a relationship?
Are you looking for love, or are you looking
for sex?
If you are a man or a woman honestly
searching for a life partner relationship,
then this should not be a difficult question
to answer. Many psychological and sociological
studies have found that when people experience
instant chemistry, and then act on it
quickly by engaging in sex, there is a
higher chance that the relationship will
"crash & burn," instead
of becoming a lasting and loving partnership.
Relationships that last might have a
strong chemical component in the beginning,
and this can be a good thing! However,
it's not necessarily the only essential
ingredient for creating a long-term relationship.
Growing together has to "take root"
in something more than chemistry since
attraction, being biochemically based,
can wax and wane. And experiencing chemistry
with someone does not guarantee anything
whatsoever in the future. Look instead
to develop a friendship based in similar
interests, values, priorities and life
goals. These are the qualities that will
contribute to creating a loving relationship
that lasts.
© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing
as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice
has treated many singles looking to get
married, but who had become depressed
and demoralized by the dating process.
She now uses her skills and experience
to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles
preventing them from attaining the relationships
and lives they really want. Janice has
been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine,
writes the "Love Coach" advice
column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a
free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses,
lectures and workshops. Check out her
"Get Your Love Right!" blog,
read other dating-related Q's&A's
and articles, and sign up for a complimentary
40 minute telephone coaching session by
visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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