How to Maximize
Your Time While Dating and Find the Relationship
You Really Want
By Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
Are you someone who wants a committed relationship,
but somehow yours don’t end up heading in
that direction? Here’s some "investment advice"
to help you overcome this dilemma:
Q. I continually seem to get into relationships
that appear great on the surface (good communication,
affection, chemistry, healthy love life, fun,
mutual love), but suddenly the guy needs space
or wants out completely. They still profess
their love, affections and passions, but they
want out. I am 40 and my significant others
tend to be close to my age or a few years
older. The relationships have lasted anywhere
from 9 months to 3 years. Any ideas? Donna
A. Yes, Donna, I have plenty of ideas,
the most important of which is recognizing
that this dating dilemma can be avoided
before a relationship takes on a life
of its own. What I mean is this: rather
than feeling like a victim of a man’s
"need for space," you have the power to
decide, long before getting further involved,
if the relationship is to head towards
an exclusive, committed relationship (i.e.,
marriage), or not.
I advocate that the decision to invest
more time with a dating partner be made
before the fifth date. That’s because
people can spend one to three years of
their valuable time dating someone before
deciding, "This is not a good relationship
for me." But if you sit down earlier on
to talk about the direction you want your
relationship to head, i.e., a committed
relationship or marriage, then this is
when to say so. Based on the outcome of
your discussion, you can then decide if
you want to become exclusive and invest
more time in the relationship.
Because I keep hearing about the many
"commitment-phobes" lurking out there,
the decision to become exclusive is hence
a "pre-commitment." I actually like
to call it "a commitment to see if we
should make a commitment," which I find
takes the edge off of making bigger commitments,
like deciding to move in together, or
get engaged.
Dating and communicating in this more
cognizant way will help you determine
earlier on if your relationship is headed
in the direction you want it to. You then
have the power to choose whether or not
to invest more of your time. Otherwise,
you’ll be in the same water together,
but swimming different strokes.
Q. I am in a relationship with a woman
now for about a year and a half. Both
of us come from long, destructive marriages.
I feel I am ready to get married, but
she says that she's not ready. She says
she wants to get to know herself better.
I love and adore her and am doing my best
to be patient, but I’m also fearful that
she may never want to marry. What should
I do? Steven
A. You are in a similar situation as
Donna - you have invested 1-1/2 years
of your time in a relationship that you
wanted to lead to marriage, while your
girlfriend has instead spent this time
with a different goal. The goal, to "know
herself better," is clearly not something
that can be accomplished within the relationship.
So you now have to decide if you should
invest an additional, unknown amount of
time until she is ready to share your
goal of marriage.
I’ve used the term "invest" in both of
my answers here to mean the following:
"To spend or devote for future advantage
or benefit." Like investing money in stocks,
bonds or savings accounts, you do so with
the expectation that you will receive
a specific benefit or profit after a certain
period of time.
The only "currency" that singles have
in their search for a life partner is
time. While investing time is a necessary
component in choosing a partner, time
can also be wasted if you invest too much
of it with someone who isn’t headed in
the same direction as you. Singles will
instead stick around and invest more of
their time, hoping that by doing so the
other person will eventually change and
the investment will "pay off." Referring
back to the money analogy, this is akin
to "throwing good money after bad," i.e.,
investing more money in a failure, or
repairing an already poor product.
Having said all this, I don’t recommend
that you stick around and invest any more
of your valuable time while your girlfriend
embarks on the completely diverse, singular
goal of knowing herself better. I suggest
you tell her again that you want to marry
her, and after being together for 1-1/2
years, you have enough information about
each other to get engaged.
If she continues to say that her goal
is self-knowledge, then you should find
someone to invest your time with who shares
your goal of marriage. Expecting you to
stick around while she pursues her separate
goal would be akin to "stealing" your
time. Again, using the time-as-money analogy,
this is comparable to stealing money that
you could spend on other (more promising)
investments.
If she eventually determines that she
knows herself well enough to accept your
proposal, then you have the choice to
return to the relationship or not. After
all, only you can decide how to spend
your money, and your time.
© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing
as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice
has treated many singles looking to get
married, but who had become depressed
and demoralized by the dating process.
She now uses her skills and experience
to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles
preventing them from attaining the relationships
and lives they really want. Janice has
been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine,
writes the "Love Coach" advice
column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a
free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses,
lectures and workshops. Check out her
"Get Your Love Right!" blog,
read other dating-related Q's&A's
and articles, and sign up for a complimentary
40 minute telephone coaching session by
visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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