Avoiding Online
Pseudo-Intimacy
By Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
If you had initially met someone in person
prior to becoming geographically separated,
then you would have some foundation from which
to build your relationship by staying in contact
virtually. However, if you instead met someone
online first, then you need to be aware of
the potential that dating virtually, i.e.,
via the internet and telephone only, can lead
to the creation of a "pseudo-intimacy."
So here are a few tips to help you get the
most out of virtual dating prior to meeting
in person.
After exchanging a few emails to
determine if you want to pursue the relationship,
I suggest that you graduate to talking
on the telephone pretty quickly. Once
you feel the relationship is progressing,
it's important that you discuss when you're
going to meet in person.
If meeting in person isn't possible for
a number of weeks or months, then I suggest
that you make a schedule as to when, and
for how long, you'll talk on the phone.
You can supplement your phone calls with
email or instant messaging, as well as
with snail (postal) mail. Attempt to discuss
current events, rather than "what
it'll be like when we're together,"
or bemoaning your separate geographical
fate. Creating and maintaining this type
of structure over your virtual contact
should help you to feel more in control
and comfortable in a situation where there
really is no structure.
Now I can better explain what I mean
when I say that dating virtually can lead
to a "pseudo-intimacy." If you
haven't met in person, it's difficult
to know if the chemistry you feel over
the phone has any basis in reality. After
all, you really only have a picture and
voice to go on! Unfortunately, the internet
and the telephone lend themselves to create
environments where it is easier to let
down your defenses, and say things without
knowing how your message "lands"
on another person.
My advice to singles who meet virtually
is to ALWAYS do whatever it takes to meet
in person, and as soon as possible. This
way, you give your feelings a chance to
"check in" with your dating
partner in the real world, which is where
you're going to live together eventually
anyway, right?!
© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing
as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice
has treated many singles looking to get
married, but who had become depressed
and demoralized by the dating process.
She now uses her skills and experience
to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles
preventing them from attaining the relationships
and lives they really want. Janice has
been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine,
writes the "Love Coach" advice
column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a
free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses,
lectures and workshops. Check out her
"Get Your Love Right!" blog,
read other dating-related Q's&A's
and articles, and sign up for a complimentary
40 minute telephone coaching session by
visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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