Earth to ‘High School Musical’
Just admit it: you have actually seen at least one of the “High School Musical” movies. It’s nothing to be ashamed of: perhaps you saw it out of curiosity, or maybe you needed something to debrief after a mentally-demanding project. Whatever your motivation, you cannot deny that the Disney-Channel phenomenon reminds you of a simpler time when the most important part of life was fitting in and cheering on the school’s basketball team.
Yet East High is by no regard realistic. Even if we ignore the perfectly-choreographed spontaneous musical numbers, we are still left with unrealistic characters in insultingly unrealistic situations. Let us count the ways:
(Warning: This list is riddled with spoilers.)
High school relationships do not emulate Troy and Gabriella’s: (a) few high school relationships extend beyond high school, and (b) while in their high school stage, relationships are not that selfless and innocently passionate. Case-in-point, in the third installment, Gabriella is invited to some smart-kids program at Stanford that somehow necessitates that she leaves her Wildcat friends before the school year is over. She and Troy, though, were supposed to go to Prom together. Prom Eve, she plays bitch and backs out – What does Troy do? He drives from Albuquerque to Palo Alto in a suit and surprises his ditched date. “My Prom,” he remarks, “is wherever you are,” and they proceed to waltz around a tree. How many of your high-school boyfriends would have done that for you?
Main characters are presented amazingly unrealistic opportunities. Let’s examine their college choices: the class president is going to Yale, the basketball player to University of Albuquerque, and both the drama club’s choreographer and composer are recruited by scholarship for Julliard. Gabriella is not only accepted to Stanford, but she is invited as one of 30 freshmen to participate in a special accelerated program. Our heartthrob Troy must decide between U of A and Julliard – his decision? UC Berkeley. Earth to “High School Musical:” most of our collegiate stress did not stem from too many prestigious schools pandering for our decision.
How come the rich, popular girl gets a super pimped-out locker? Sharpay Evans has it all: a pink convertible with her initials on the hood, perfect hair – and a hot-pink double-door school locker, initials inscribed, with a plush interior. In the second movie, we see just how rich this girl is: her parents hold clout in an exclusive country club where she gets treated to “iced tea imported from England, lifeguards imported from Spain, towels imported from Turkey, and turkey imported from Maine.” If her family is that rich and powerful, what is this self-entitled bitch doing at a public school? And furthermore, why does she get a special locker? Aren’t all lockers created equal?
Solidarity is not that strong in high school. Everyone at East High is constantly excited about school and proud to be a Wildcat; there is no ‘outcast’ character (the closest we see is the ‘skaters’ clique in movie one, who still engage in song-and-dance with Wildcat pride). Gabriella affectionately calls her boyfriend “Wildcat,” classmates motivate each other by calling on their Wildcat-ness, and Troy exclaims “Once a Wildcat, always a Wildcat!” at graduation. My high school experience was devoid of anything near this level of school spirit.
Oh yes, and the whole spontaneous singing-and-dancing thing. As every past high school drama club member knows, the world is unfortunately not coordinated enough to spontaneously stage mass musical numbers. (If only…) Try singing a few bars in the cafeteria: do others chime in? Do instrumentals start up? Does everyone jump in to a perfectly-understood choreography? Didn’t think so. (My high school lunch time proved this to be a farce.) So then the question arises: how come East High gets all the fun?
Disclaimer: Intelligrrl has seen all three “High School Musical” movies, and is still in a successful relationship with her very own Troy. She had a very non-HSM high school experience, and she is totally jellin’ on Troy going to Berkeley!
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Santa Claus is coming to town… already
Christmas only comes once a year, but the pre-Christmas anticipation time bubble grows in length each season. It used to start with Black Friday, but it has since crept to middle of November, earlier in November… and now, right after Halloween.
“Christmas Creep,” they call it; the time when businesses fight for your attention and holiday music can be heard in every store. Perhaps a little too soon? Yes. Annoying? Yes. And is this year any different?
Yes.
We need Christmas Creep this year, and this is why:
It’s best to buy the presents before you get fired. Who knows if you will have your wage-labor job tomorrow – and if you don’t, buying presents will be the last thing you will need to think about. Might as well get it over with now, while you are still living in blissful employment. (Crappy college-time service job? Even better! Tap that discount before the Boss realizes how much more revenue he’d make if employee discounts were abolished.)
Drown out your worries with a seasonal drink. While stressing out over how you will pay tuition next semester, indulge in a (pricey) wintery treat: a peppermint mocha, a holiday ale, some not-so-appropriate eggnog. Hell, it adds a change of routine from the everyday insert-standard-hard-alcohol-here.
Holiday music libraries continue to grow. Each season brings a slew of new Christmas albums by new-timers, old-timers and repackagers alike. A larger musical library logically takes a longer time to listen to in full; extend the anticipation bubble (the time in which you are allowed to listen to this genre), and all music can be accommodated. And if your library has not yet reached max capacity? Go ahead and push ‘repeat’ on your favorites: it’s the only time of year were doing so does not violate social norms.
By Wednesday, (unless we get a ‘2000’ pulled on us) someone will get the biggest Christmas gift of all – the Presidency. How come he gets a super gift, and we have to wait almost two whole months until we get ours? Really, what happens between now and then? Thanksgiving? Pshaw… there are no presents involved there.
Given the economic situation, we need some extended form of joy in our lives. Yeah, the economy sucks, but Capitalism teaches us that we must cope with any big problem by buying more useless stuff. Christmas time was made for this: buy useless stuff for other people. That useless stuff translates into joy and care – and really, that’s what we need during a time of crisis.
Disclaimer: The author has first-hand experience with the elusive ‘Christmas Creep’ – she worked at Starbucks last season and lived to tell the tale. Intelligrrrl and Intellistudent do not endorse the ‘Creep;’ in fact, the Christmas sweater stays locked up until December. Period. Deal with it, Capitalism.
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Halloweeeee!
Happy Halloween, Intellistudents. Unless you’re lame like me, chances are you’re spending tonight in some strangely appealing costume. Well because I am not sharing in your glory, I will now proceed to judge your costumes from my armchair!
I really don’t get (a) what this costume is supposed to be, and (b) how the costume is viewed from the back. Is she supposed to be a celebrity caught in awkward times? A slutty blank cue-card holder? A censor bar?
Mmm! She’s good enough to… wait, shit, no. But whatevs… the sprinkles are the icing on the cake sprinkles on the ice cream, if you will.
Dressing up like your favorite ad campaign = The Man is winning. Be prepared for super-lame Burger King jokes all night. (“Would you like fries with that?”)
So you really, really like Ghostbusters. Like, it’s your favorite movie of all time. But it’s Halloween, and you have boobs, so you absolutely need to dress slutty; a standard Ghostbusters costume won’t fit the bill. But, what’s this? Fuck yeah!
So… this is supposed to be a “dirty martini” costume. I’ll ignore the cleverly-placed red-olive parts, the whore wearing it, and the fact that this costume is so confusing that it must be indicated what it is on the costume itself. What I won’t ignore: you’re dressing up like an alcoholic drink. Deeper problems exist there, my friend.
I’m, um… what the hell? …Complete with lingerie and make-up-wearing lamb. (Yes, this costume is called “country loving.” No, Intellistudent does not endorse country-loving activity.)
Hoping I’m not violating drastic copyright law (and if I am, let’s keep it on the D-L),
Intelligrrrl
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Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous
Every person does stupid things every day; fortunately we don’t have to worry about cameras capturing those less-than-glorious moments (unless you are one of the many Facebook-obsessed and opt to share those moments on your own accord). Celebrities do not have that luxury – and that’s all the better for us.
A quick stop to TMZ.com proves that for some ridiculous reason, we are obsessed with the minute details – and mishaps – of celebrity life. There must be something mysterious about waking up with a few million more dollars than the average Joe the Plumber. Michael Jackson has nose problems, David Beckham spits out unsuspecting sports drinks, and A-Rod has vague marital resolution (or something).
We all do stupid things, but celebrities tend to do them stupider. Let’s explore a few of those moments that are best kept away from discerning public eyes:
Engaging in white collar crime – and getting caught! There is nothing a celebrity needs more than more money, but they can simply sign on to the latest crappy Disney re-make. Embezzlement is a slap to the face of hard-working citizens who live vicariously through the lives of these stars. Example: Anne Hathaway’s ex, Raffaello Follieri, involves himself in an investment scam and gets four-and-a-half years in prison. What lesson does this teach the youngings?
Be a night club whore – with movie problems to follow! Lindsay Lohan, case-in-point. What will this girl ever get right? She would have done better sticking with Disney and making more movies about herself as a set of twins; but instead she drives drunk, takes over night clubs diva-style, and stumbles onto movie sets disheveled and hung over. Social Darwinism would have weeded her out long ago, if not for her celebrity.
DUI – and actually serving time! Last year, we went a whole season without the TV show “24” because star Kiefer Sutherland was serving hard time for a hard party. Contrary to his TV personality, Sutherland did not attempt to escape, dig tunnels or torture terrorists while imprisioned. According to Wikipedia (always a reliable source), the actor was “incarcerated for New Year’s, his birthday and Christmas, and only had one visitor.” We all know who that one visitor was – justice!
Hosting a bombin’ birthday party – at Disneyland! Okay, so Disney queen Miley Cyrus’s birthday really isn’t until Nov. 23, but since when did birthdays prevent us from having a super awesome birthday party? And it’s totally coincidental that the annual Disneyland ‘Gay Days’ were supposed to be held that weekend. Totally coincidental.
One-night stands – that end in a Las Vegas chapel! Girl meets boy, girl gets drunk… girl wakes up married to boy and surrounded by cameras. Though this may happen weekly on Frat Row, it seems to be a little more played up when it happens in the Celebriverse. Who can forget Britney Spears’s surprise overnight wedding to childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander? No one, that’s who.
Joining a religion – about spaceships! Nothing dives your career into flames faster than associating yourself with Scientology – that mystifying weird religion-thing that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gradually teaching us more and more about. (Honestly, what good movie has JT done lately?) And now they’re looking to recruit Amy Winehouse. We knew she was a train wreck, but sheesh…
Dine and ditch – and leave your purse in the restaurant! Ms. Teen USA taught us this week to (a) make sure you bring your purse when ditching, (b) it might have just been easier to pay the $46 bill, and (c) don’t carry illegal substances in said purse. The ditch itself attests to an immoral character, but the Teen USA people decided their crown was better worn by a teenager who doesn’t use the pot. The lesson? Keep your pot on your person, or risk losing your crown.
Disclaimer: The author disagrees with celebrity obsession, and it greatly pained her to conduct article research via TMZ and “stupid celebrity” blogs. No, really, they are honestly horrible.
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A reductionist analysis of horror film
Halloween is approaching, and college students everywhere are filling their kegs and seeking out the sluttiest costume possible. In the spirit of party and paradigm, let us not forget a staple of the Halloween season: the horror film.
Horror films manifest in many forms, some better than others. We won’t be discussing those today. Here are some of the reliable formulas Hollywood producers tend to fall back on when the horror ideas run low and Halloween-time dollars are to be made:
Random murderer with psychological issues – “Scream,” “Friday the Thirteenth,” “Strangers.” Now here’s a classic: a family/a couple/some crazy teenagers are just minding their business, doing their thing, until some random psychopath comes out of nowhere and ruins their good time. The strange thing is that most likely, the killer will in no way have any sort of relationship with his victims – he just chose to kill/torture them for fun. Perhaps it could have all been avoided if he just got a hug, some “me time,” and a long session with a therapist. Throw in some puppies for good measure.
The failed serious endeavor – “Trick or Treat.” The Internet Movie Database describes this movie as such: “Eddie Weinbauer is a typical all-American teenager; at least he was until he fell under the evil spell of Rock Music. Now he’s obsessed with his heavy-metal superstar idol, Sammi Curr, who is killed in a hotel fire. Eddie becomes the recipient of the only copy of Curr’s unreleased album, which when played backwards sends a message of destruction. As Halloween approaches, Eddie begins to realize this isn’t only rock ’n roll… it’s life and death. He must draw the line to thwart this mission.” (Torstein Karlsen, imdb.com) Ridiculous.
The honestly horrible parody – “Scary Movie,” “Scary Movie 2,” etc. This is a cheap extravaganza filled with cheap actors looking to get a cheap laugh at some atrociously cheap jokes. Unfortunately, the “Scary Movie” franchise has developed into a beast in its own right, wielding its plagued sword of doom over the genre of respectable horror films. That’s scary enough in and of itself.
Additive: the sequel/prequel – “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer,” “Saw II, III, IV, V.” If a film did semi-well in the box office, chances are this cash cow will be milked again next season. Most producers allow this to run to extreme ridiculousness – “I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer,” case in point. OK, so our curiosity may be slightly piqued by the quandary of how exactly the killer will “always” know about our last summer, but sorry; we will not spend $10 to find out.
[Thing One] versus [Thing Two] – “Freddy versus Jason,” “Alien versus Predator.” When all else fails, this simple formula allows Mr. Hollywood Producer to squeeze as much cash as possible from two already-established franchises. By appealing to separate cults, the idea goes, the movie will make twice as much money. Mr. Hollywood Producer, you may want to lay off on beating that dead horse.
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Things I tell myself to get through the arduous months of winter
Temperatures everywhere – or at least in Chicago – are dropping like the Dow Jones Index, but that does not mean you should approach your coat and scarf with pessimism. Intelligrrrl is here to remind you of all the joy winter brings with that first snowstorm.
1. Nature starts to resemble the city: gray and cold. Not only do we get to experience this “matching” for months upon months to come, but we do not even have to deal with that pesky green stuff. That’s right; grass and leaves will soon die for the season, leaving us with only the high-quality nature.
2. We get to look forward to that annual overconsumption orgy called Secular Christmas. Santa has already begun his mainstream penetration (a phenomenon widely known as “Christmas Creep”), and it’s just a matter of time until Rudolph, Frosty and their commercial pals are plugging the hottest toy. President George W. Bush instructed the American people to shop after 9/11 in order to jumpstart the economy: perhaps that is just what we need to do in order to get out of this economic pitfall. We sense an extra-hard push from advertisers this year in cries for your cash.
3. Secular Christmas usually involves some sort of amazing dinner, like turkey. Enter super-awesome-winter point number three: comfort foods and hot cocoa. Cold winter and visiting Mom give us all the justification we need to overindulge as often as we want, which leads to…
4. During winter, there is not (as much) pressure to lose weight. Subzero weather fortunately does not easily lend itself to bikinis; and you will not have to worry about that again for a long time. Indulge in your comfort foods and hide in your layers – that cute classmate from Econ won’t be able to tell you put on the weight.
5. But that cutie cannot check you out if class is canceled due to inclement weather. Surprise canceled classes mean you’re totally getting your tuition money’s worth and get some bonus time to, um, study… (and eat comfort food).
Disclaimer: The author is a southern California native and does not like Chicago winter – she wishes she could lock herself up in her studio apartment in some sane-human form of hibernation.
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The young drinker’s ‘Communist Manifesto’
Dear Intellistudents: Because I’ve been keeping you dry lately, today I double-dipped just for you. That’s right — two posts on the same day. And so begins post number one…
Presidents from approximately 100 private universities signed a statement last summer that encourages legislators to reconsider the legal drinking age. Binge drinking and irresponsible behavior, they say, is problematic on college campuses because of the 21-year-old limit, which essentially divides their student body. (“College presidents want lower drinking age,” USA Today, Aug. 18)
Intelligrrrl here. As the freshmen are experiencing their first-ever rowdy college party, it is suiting we do our first-ever list on why the freshmen should be allowed to do so. Young drinkers, this is your Communist Manifesto:
1. As a college student, you are building brain cells at a more accelerated rate. You need some legal mechanism that will kill them off just as quickly. And smoking won’t keep up.
2. The current system essentially creates a forced three-year Prohibition where Moonshine is the least of our worries.
3. If you can die for your country, you should be allowed to drink a beer to your country. Or be allowed to drink enough to kill yourself so you won’t have to die for your country.
4. By using a fake ID to obtain alcohol illegally, young adults are making “ethical compromises that erode respect for the law,” said the signed statement, as quoted in USA Today.
5. College is a time to indulge in new experiences. Just because something is illegal does not mean it will be avoided; in fact, its illegality will be even more of a draw.
6. All other rites of adulthood are granted at 18; drinking stands alone, to be earned three years later. Drinking is the ultimate forbidden fruit. (Unless, of course, you are looking forward to running for Congress – which is quite difficult to pull off illegally.)
7. When abstinence is the only safe-sex practice taught, those who engage in sexual activity anyway do not know how to minimize the risk of pregnancy and STDs. Same goes for drinking: responsible drinking behavior needs to be taught, and that will only be done when some moral taboo is eliminated through legality.
Intelligrrrl
Disclaimer: The author of this article is 21 years-old and would therefore gain no personal benefit from having the legal drinking age lowered. These arguments are not intended to be taken as serious points of contention in the debate of drinking legality and should all be read with a respect for humor. Intellistudent does not condone illegal activity, unless done in a very sexy manner.
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C’mon… Everyone’s doing it
Smoking is obviously cool; that is most definitely a fact proven through various movies from the 1950s. But we know there are so many more advantages than just cancer and badass points. Don’t fret; Intelligrrrl is here to open your eyes to the many reasons why puffing the ciggy in your college years may just be the best damn decision you will ever make.
Sure, it may take 15-20 years off of your life, but those years come from the end, and everyone knows that those years are no fun anyway.
A cigarette means you are foreboding and mysterious. It is the easiest way to get the attention of that girl in your biology class – without looking like you are trying to do so.
Everyone is doing it – congressmen, comedians, Europeans. Show us someone who does not want to be a congressman, comedian or European, and we will show you someone who leads a boring life. Cigarettes add automatic class and ambition.
Smoking bans, like the recent one passed in the state of Illinois, create a more substantial obstacle – and we, as college students, are just the people to overcome it. Pressing that cigarette to your lips is a battle cry: you are the one to break down that Berlin Wall.
If there is someone more respected than a smoker, it is someone who has quit smoking – but you cannot quit until you start. Bonus points for cold turkey.
So it is obvious: smoking is not only the cool thing to do, but the ideal way to challenge the system, follow the fold and gain the respect of your peers.
But we will continue this discussion later; I have to go out for a smoke.
Intelligrrrl
Disclaimer: Intelligrrrl does not smoke, nor does she condone smoking. Learn sarcasm, idiot.
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Oops… It happened again: Why Britney Spears is our Economic Messiah
Events of the past week demonstrate that the economy is not all too healthy. Events of the past few years demonstrate that Britney Spears is, as well, not all too healthy. Do two dysfunctionals make a sane? I am here to argue just that: the only way to remedy the economy is to call in Britney Spears to lead a system reformation. Here is why our trashy pop princess is just the medicine America needs:
Britney has the unbelievable ability to turn nothing into platinum.
Her songs lack in substance both lyrically and melodically, and yet Britney Spears is an exceptionally successful entertainer (“Baby, One More Time” went platinum 14 times, after all). The result? A stronger economy than yesterday. And if Plan A fails? At least America will be filled with Midis-touched platinum.
There would be an increase in efficiency and multi-tasking ability.
Britney mastered the art of child-rearing and driving – at the same time! If the American people were to implement similar time-saving techniques, they could devote more time to other, more important things – like working a second job to afford the minimum monthly payments on the credit card bill.
The adaptation of a new mantra.
Another company goes down in stockholder flames? Oops… it happened again.
Americans would learn to cut out unnecessary luxuries.
Who needs shampoo and hair products with a bald head? Britney has shown Americans that we do not need hair to be a celebrity or panties to rock it out at the club. Just think of all the other unnecessaries Britney could expel from our budgets.
Britney understands the culture of consumerism.
Just look at one of her more recent singles: “Gimme More.” A good reformer needs a good understanding of the current system in order to change it.
She can motivate the people.
Remember that amazing “Oops… I Did it Again?” music video? She and her flavor-of-the-song engage in a mid-song dialogue where he says he “went down and got [the thing that the old lady dropped into the ocean in the end].” This means two things: Britney can motivate boys to do things for her, and she is currently in possession of the Titanic-famous Hope Diamond, worth $250 million.
Britney is familiar with “Crossroads.”
She faced one in her memorable 2002 film, and America is facing one now. Crossroads are always painful and difficult to confront, and it is now more than ever that we need someone with experience. With this experience also comes the capacity to win on-the-road, cash-paying karaoke contests. That should boost the economy.
Britney proved in the past that two dysfunctionals can make a sane – after all, she and K-Fed stayed together for a few years. Maybe that gives hope to the idea that she and the economy can make it, too. Really, what’s the worst that can happen?
Intelligrrrl
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Newspaper, Attack!
The newspaper industry is dying. That’s a sad assertion for anyone who enjoys the feel of ink on his or her fingers after clenching the morning edition during the commute. Nevertheless, we know – oh, how we know! – that the Internet keeps getting bigger and better every day, and soon our tangible ink-letters will go the way of landlines.
But like any reminent of a passed technological age, the newspaper will not go down without a fight – and Intelligrrrl is here to regulate the match. The Internet has its obvious advantages, so it is now Newspaper’s turn to swing the striking blows:
Newspapers play a dynamic role in some of Hollywood’s best films. Nothing makes a more informative and time-saving transition than a spinning headline: we find out if the defendant was found guilty, if the dream team won the game, or if the politician went through with his evil plan all in one fell swoop – er, spin. Without newspapers, what would spin? The web page? Internet, you just got pwned. [sic]
Newspapers make for a painless commute. Sure, phone Internet is great – before the ‘L’ dips below ground. In a world of no newspapers, Carly Commuter is then only left with her homework, and who wants to do that with Smelly McSmell riding next to you? No one, that’s who. The tangible newspaper can work where Internet fails, and Carly Commuter arrives at school pleasant and informed.
The Internet cannot be trusted. Frankly put, the Internet is a Gossip Girl. She tells you exciting, alluring and dirty news – and who knows from where she got it! The newspaper, conversely, is that guy in the group who takes his time to research what’s going on before speaking of it, although that does make him a little later to the party than Internet. That’s okay; Internet was breaking hearts while Newspaper was busting Watergate.
Social networking is difficult to do on paper. A newspaper, despite its name, cannot and will not provide an up-to-the-minute newsfeed of your “friends.” This is because it is printed on paper, and printed paper is not as dynamic and changeable as we would prefer. Shucks, in the heyday of newspapers, people actually called other people to figure out their personal newsfeeds – but between social networking, e-mail and so on, we become more and more centralized on the computer. Makes sense that we would get our news there as well, right? Friends, that’s just what The Man wants you to do.
The environmentalists and techeboys may be all for the eradication of newspapers, and the Internet may be more varied, up-to-date and ink-free – but that should not stop our old friend from bustin’ a move and informing the public. Long live the inky fingers, and long live newspapers!
Intelligrrrl
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