Uncle Scuzzy's Huge, Long, Uncut List of Scholarships

We know, we know -- you're flush with more cash than you know what to do with, and if you had any more, you'd have to start blowing your nose with Benjis. But just in case we've read you wrong, check out our huge, long, uncut list of scholarships. The links in this section lead to about $8 trillion in scholarships. OK, not that much, but at least a couple billion. In free money. Why are you still here? Oh, because you're Right.


Coca-Cola Scholarship
Coca-Cola gives out 250 four-year scholarships annually. You must answer this essay question: "How scared are you to take a big swig of Diet Coke after eating anything remotely resembling a Mentos?" Actually, it's even easier than that. These are given out to high school seniors with a 3.0 gpa or higher, which in today's crazy grade-inflation environment means pretty much everyone.

Siemens Foundation Scholarships
The Semen Foundation is a network of sperm banks whose purpose is to financially support the country's most intelligent students in exchange for regular donations, in order to create a bank of superhuman DNA that can be used decades now when the machines finally rise up against us.

OK, that's a lie (although let's hope that does actually happen one day). Siemens is a huge German company with money to burn, apparently, on giving American kids scholarships.

Benjamin A Gilman International Scholarship
Wanna get away? This foundation gives money to those students who wish to "study abroad." Studying abroad is also known as "getting drunk legally four nights a week and partying with exotic foreigners who want to bone you after plying you with fig-based liquers and yammering on about 'my country' this and 'my country' that."

Ackinson Consulting Scholarship
An essay of 1,000 words or less on where you see yourself five years after college could win you this $1,750 scholarship. "Still trying to finish up my undergrad degree" is probably a bad answer.

Discover Card Scholarship
Besides having a monopoly on spending power at the local Sam's Club, Discover Card also offers up to $1 million in scholarships annualy to high school JUNIORS. (That's right, juniors -- because why wait until senior year to start developing ulcers? Childhood is overrated.) And your GPA only needs to be 2.75 or higher.

Sallie Mae Fund Scholarships
Sallie Mae is a "nickname" for the Student Loan Marketing Association, a company that helps students pay for college, usually in the form of loans. In 20 years, you'll probably have given Sallie more money than any other woman on earth, including your favorite bartender, stripper, "massage therapist" or even your wife. Our point? Sallie is flush with cash, and rarely does she give it to YOU, instead of the other way around. So check into it.

Microsoft Scholarships
This may shock you, but Microsoft has some extra money lying around. If you can write a piece of software that's full of security holes and bloated functionality that no one would ever want or even ask for, then you've probably got a pretty good shot at a scholarship. If you can tell them how to take down Google, then they'll probably give you a job. They give away dozens of different kinds of scholarships with different requirements.

Akademos/Textbookx Scholarship
What role, if any, should entertainment celebrities play in American public life? If you have a good answer to that, you could win $2,000. If you don't have a good answer, go ask the girl who cuts your hair. All those hairstylists do all day is sit around reading US Weekly and OK, so they're sure to have an opinion. Copy it, and apply.

Jack Kent Cooke Scholarships
Anyone who goes by all three of their names must be important, and Jack Kent Cooke was no exception. Instead of owning a home like the rest of us plan to do, he shot for larger things -- like owning the Chrysler building in NYC, the Los Angeles Lakers and the Washington Redskins. Now he wants to help send you to school. Don't you feel special?

Intel Scholarship
How does $100,000 for school sound? We thought so. The Intel geniuses have put together a competition for you to earn that kind of dough to pay for school.

National Merit Scholarship Corporation
They even have the word "scholarship" in the name of their company, which means they have to have some good funds. There are different types of scholarships here, with different requirements. Apply and win, but don't forget who sent you! Seriously. I could use some clothes.

Christopher Columbus Fellowship Foundation
Christopher Columbus was a busy guy. Not only did he sail across the world, discover America and begin a centuries-long tradition of throwing a first-class genocide on whoever was here first, he also recorded "Sailing" and "Ride Like The Wind," both Grammy winners in 1981. Now he's apparently discovered that you need some help paying for school like the rest of us. Lots of different links on this site to different scholarships and grants.

Students for Organ Donation Scholarship
Why not apply for a scholarship from a company that stands for something really important? You can get money for school while at the same time raise awareness for a good cause. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

Seriously, though, what if scientists from the future figure out a way to bring you back from the dead, and you've got no eyes, heart, kidney or spleen? Something to think on before you start passing out your organs like business cards.

Ayn Rand Institute Scholarships
Long before 50 Cent, The Game, Mike Jones and countless other hip hop artists explained to us the importance of money in society, an old, homely white lady named Ayn Rand was straight layin' back in the cut schoolin' shorties about how chedda bring problems, but homiez who carry it deserve respect, yo. She also would've quoted Mack 10 and asked, "If you ain't in this foe the money, what you in it foe?" Or, as she put it, "Run for your life from any man who says money is evil. That is the leper's bell of an approaching looter." Word.

Patrick Kerr Skateboard Scholarship
This one is out of the ordinary, but it combines pleasure and business. If you love to shred on a skateboard, and you also get it done in the classroom, check this one out.

National Rifle Association Scholarship
Gun totin' students unite! You have to attend their Youth Education Summit in Washington D.C., and if you are interested in that then there is a lot of money out there to be won! Warning: You can have their money, but you have to pry it from their cold, dead hands first.

The Vegetarian Resource Group Scholarship
In the interest of fairness, today we spotlight the flip-side of yesterday's gun-related scholarship. Two $5,000 awards to high school students who promote vegetarianism in the schools and/or communities. Remember, vegetarians do not eat meat, fish or fowl! Here at Intellistudent, we're moderates: we do eat animals, but only ones we've humanely killed ourselves by clubbing them with a large zucchini or other blunt vegetable.

Davidson Fellows Scholarship
If you have "potential" and "excellence" and other buzzword-quality credentials, you've got a chance for big money with this one. Apparently, if you're a girl, it also helps to wear blue gloves and have a mustache so thick you can see it from space!

Elks National Foundation Most Valuable Student Scholarship
Ok, so you aren't 80 and you shouldn't be even considering joining the Elks Club. Start with a fraternity or sorority, then work your way down to the Elks. But in the meantime, you can let them give you money. Their scholarships range from $1,000 to $15,000 -- and they give out FIVE HUNDRED per year! Top prize? A four year, $60,000 scholarship.

Angel Soft Angels in Action Scholarship
How embarrassing would it be to have to tell your friends that you paid for school with money you got from an asswipe company? Very -- but then you can make fun of them for not having a degree because they couldn't afford it. And then you could tell them that you want your order supersized. He who laughs last...

Ronald Reagan College Leaders Scholarship Program
Good president + bad actor = scholarship money (apparently). This guy actually co-starred with a monkey in a movie, and then ran our country for 8 years. Now, we just have the monkey running the country all by himself. Oh well...just go out there and win one for the Gipper!

American Fire Sprinkler Association Scholarships
Hey, this is the most bizarre scholarship foundation that we have ever seen -- and we have seen a whole hell of a lot of them. You don't have to be a firefighter, arsonist, or even remotely pyromaniacal. You do have to read an essay and answer some questions about it. But when you are done maybe they'll let you burn something...

Holocaust Remembrance Project
This organization is dedicated to the study and observation of the Holocaust. Scholarships are awarded to students who are interested in learning more about the Holocaust. I'd stay away from this one if you are a Neo-Nazi. Or Mel Gibson.

MENSA Scholarships
This is your chance to feel like a genius for once in your life. Strangely, these "geniuses" do not require any sort of high IQ or high grades for their scholarship, which sounds awfully anti-genius-like if you ask me. No IQ test, no brain teasers -- just one essay. Of course the catch is that the essay probably requires a discussion of the social ramifications of the global control of microbial diseases.

Horatio Alger Scholarship Program
Contrary to what you are thinking, Horatio Alger is not the lead detective from CSI: Miami. He was apparently some average guy that out-punted his coverage and did above-average things. You should try it sometime -- and this is your chance, slacker. You only need a 2.0 to qualify. Put down the bong and check it out. If you don't -- well, ask John Kerry. You could end up Iraq.

NBC Friday Night Lights Scholarship
Dream all you want -- you can't play ball like these guys. Why? Because they can't either, silly. It is a TV Show. Not even a good one. Therefore you need to find another way to pay for school. This could help.

Calgon, Take Me Away Scholarship
If you actually understand the title of this scholarship, you're probably the parent of a college student and not the student him/herself. Calgon -- the bath-time product featuring the overly exasperated housewife begging her bath oil to temporarily remove her from her wretched life -- is giving away scholarship money. Nope, we don't see the connection either.

My Job _________ Scholarship
Fill in the blank with whatever you think about your job, and then describe why it is you feel that way. Try not to say "sucks" or "rules" -- that is lame and I promise you it has been done. Here is what we would use, "My job as a carnie barking for the bearded lady is great, and actually much more fun than my former job as an ombudsman."

Exploravision Awards Scholarship
This one is for all of you budding little scientists. Yep, both of you! According to stats, no American kids are good at science anymore, so you probably won't click this link. If you do, you'll probably get your clock cleaned by the Chinese and Indian students. Sorry, but that does seem to be the case.

Jeff Krosnoff Scholarship
Rubbin's racin'! Jeffrey was a race car driver. Let this be a lesson to you, kiddos. Live fast, die young. Leave behind scholarship money. Go get you some, Ricky Bobby.

The CareerFitter Scholarship
Do you know what you want to do with you life yet? Of course you don't. These folks seem to think that young people have it together and know where they're going with their lives. Silliness. That's the beauty of being young -- you don't have to make those big decisions yet. So make up something fascinating and impressive and apply. We would go with United States Ambassador to Papua New Guinea, honeybee wrangler or professional bowler.

Do Something BRICK Awards
Get off of your ass and do something -- and you could get cash for school. I know, it's harder than it sounds. Check out the do-gooders on this site and then, when you're done shaming yourself for contributing next to nothing to society, do something useful. Then apply. In that order.

Target All-Around Scholarship
Ah, Target -- the one cheap-ass store where you can buy cheap-ass stuff and somehow not be considered a cheap ass yourself. We love Target for the sole reason that they used Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" in a commercial -- changing it to "Baby Got Back Pack." For that reason, we shop exclusively at Target. Maybe you aren't that shallow -- but at least be shallow enough to take their money.

Nightstalker Association Scholarships
Richard Ramirez, the famed California serial killer, wants to make things right by giving away money for school. Applicants must have committed at least one unsolved murder to apply. We're kidding of course (although that would be pretty spectacular). This is really about some U.S. Army group who called themselves the NightStalkers and apparently did some special stuff.

My Turn Essay Competition
This one is sponsored by Kaplan, the company whose name alone STILL gives us the chills! You know, the test prep company. When you hear that name it means you're getting ready to take some horrible, life-altering test. We have to go vomit now.

Zaadz Scholarship
We're not certain, but it appears that this Zaadz thingy may be a cult. Looks sketchy. On the other hand, they're giving away money for school. Believe us, that trumps just about everything. Just be careful not to get brainwashed. As they say, "Take the money and run."

All-Ink Scholarship
Yeah -- we've never heard of them either. They make printer ink. Submit an"essay" (don't freak out -- it's only 50 to 200 words. This paragraph is more than 50 words) on what you hope to achieve in your personal and professional life after you complete college. Maybe you could do the essays in a series of haikus. Example:

i hope to be rich
blow my nose with dollar bills
then die during sex

Apple Scholars Program
Want some money AND some cool swag as well? Of course you do. Apple Computers gives away 10 annual awards, each of the ten winners receiving $2,000 towards school, a MacBook Pro and an IPod Nano. Much cooler than those other scholarships that just give you money that you never see! And you can surf for porn with the computer (if you are 18, of course).

The Gates Millennium Scholars
Billy Gates is at it again. Always with the money, this guy. This one is a minorities-only scholarship. Be sure you schmooze your guidance counselor -- you need to be nominated. We suggest you buy him or her a nice watch.

The Ron Brown Scholar Program
Ron Brown was a politician who died in a plane crash back in 1996. If you're a promising black student, you can snag a scholarship named after him.

The Jackie Robinson Foundation Scholarship
42 isn't just the grade that you got on your last science test, it was also Jackie Robinson's number. Don't know who Jackie Robinson is? Better drop that History major right away, Einstein. Better yet -- just crawl back under that rock.

Collegiate Inventors Program
Ever have an idea and said, "I wonder if anyone has thought of that?" They probably have. But just in case you do think of something original, check out this scholarship. We invented something once: road-rage cards. Little cards you hold up after you cut someone off in traffic that say "sorry" or "I'm a dumbass, please don't shoot me." No one bought them, and that's why we hate all inventors from this day forward.

Military Children Scholarships
If your mom or dad is in the military, you know what it's like to have your ass dragged all over the world. Trust us -- we're military brats too! Take full advantage of this -- the military dependent gravy train of free medical and cheap groceries runs out after college!

Barry M. Goldwater Scholarship
Who the hell is Barry Goldwater? Who cares? You should -- or at least you should pretend to care for a short time, since they're giving away a lot of money in his name. Go get some.

The Rothbert Fund
Ever hear of the "east coast bias" in sports? Here it is in scholarships. This one is only for right coasters. Calm down Cali -- you get all the hot girls.

Army ROTC Scholarships
Want to join the Army, visit foreign lands, meet new people and then kill them? This is a great way to get started. Go to this site, do what they say -- and then drop and give me 20, MAGGOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Buy Scholarships
With a name like Best Buy, you'd hope they're serious about getting you through school real cheap-like. Here's a fun idea -- take their money, spend it on college and then use your own money that you were going to spend on college to buy really cool electronic stuff -- at Circuit City.

State Farm Insurance Hispanic Scholarship Fund
State Farm is giving out dinero for escuela. Latino and latina students only, por favor. Like a buen vecino, State Farm is there!

The Google Anita Borg Scholarship
Ever Google yourself? I did once -- damn near went blind. This one is for female google-ettes. Anita Borg was probably some smart woman that invented Google or something -- we really don't know. What we do know is that Google has more money than God, and you could get some of it.

The Beinecke Scholarship
We did all of the research for you on this one and we still can't figure out who Beinecke was or what he did. Something about stamps and prizes and customer rewards. Be honest -- even if you won you'd never think twice about what company you won a scholarship from, right? This one is for Grad students.

Duck Brand Duct Tape Stuck at Prom Scholarship Contest
My grandfather would've kicked ass at this one! If you're such a dolt that you'll actually make your entire prom outfit out of duct tape (Duck Brand only of course), wear it to the prom and capture the entire event on camera, then you could win $2,500 in scholarship money. Of course, you run the risk of getting your ass kicked at school, but hey -- it may be worth a couple grand to ya!

Al's Formal Wear Scholarship
Some schmuck named Al started a tuxedo store and now he thinks he's big time -- giving away scholarship money and all. Take advantage of his temporary insanity.

The Point Foundation
This is a scholarship fund primarily for lesbian, gay and bisexual students. Hmmm...that makes us think...we wonder how they're going to have you prove this? Oh well, maybe they have a plan.

The American Legion Scholarship Programs
We always thought of the American Legion as old men sitting around the Legion hall drinking Schlitz on tap and talking about the wars of yesteryear. Actually, nothing has changed, we still think of them that way. Turns out they give college cash away too! Who'd a thunk it?

AVAR Press Xen Scholarship
Read some exceedingly boring and probably overly difficult book about who knows what and write an essay on it. Shhhhh....the company giving away the money is the publisher of that same crappy book -- so be careful what you say! And if you happen to like the book then, well, we suppose that you'll have to deal with those demons yourself.

AXA Foundation
Yet another organization that requires you to actually get off your duff and do something. Are you getting the picture yet? Nothing comes easy. Welcome to the real world, minions. Enjoy it now -- it only goes downhill from here.

The Center for Education Solutions: Charnon Scholarship
We did not know Pat Charnon, but check out his picture. Doesn't he look like the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with? He looks like a dude that would volunteer to help you move across town and even bring his own truck. Then he'd drink a beer with you (assuming, of course, you were over 21, which you are probably not, so alcohol is bad!! Bad, we tell you!!!). Let him posthumously give you a hand with school.

Comcast Cable Company Scholarships
Does anyone still subscribe to cable? We don't think so, but maybe it's because those crazy loons are giving away all of their money in scholarships and not putting any into advertising or services! You don't see a satellite scholarship up here, do you? See? Coincidence? We think not...

The Lemonade Series Scholarship
Wow, uh...we're never without something snappy to say -- that is until now. This one rendered us speechless. Totally stumped us. Didn't see anything like this coming at all...ever. Click the link and you'll see what we mean.

Davis-Putter Scholarship Fund
Are you actively working toward peace and justice? Yeah, right -- do gooder. If you really, truly are, then you may have a chance to win this scholarship. Go to their site and check it out. But do it peacefully. And justiciously (and yes...we made that word up).

Foundation for Rural Educational Development (FRED) Scholarships
Now's the chance for the hayrakes to get a leg up on the flatlanders. City slickers need not apply, as you must come from a rural area (amongst other qualifying factors) to be eligible for these scholarships. Yee-haw!!!!

Grandmothers for Peace Annual Scholarship
Hate war, love peace and have a child that has a child? Any student from any country may apply for this $500 scholarship -- as long as you've participated in peace-related or nuclear-disarmament related activities (we were joking about having to be a grandmother). So, if you've strapped yourself to the fence of a military base, or covered yourself in cow's blood and stood outside an Army recruiting center, then this is for you. If you haven't done things along those lines, you probably shouldn't. The bail money you'd have to spend is way more than the scholarship money you'd win.

International Sanitary Supply Association Scholarship
This one is absolutely dripping with irony. A janitor's association giving away money for college so you can get your degree and -- you guessed it -- NOT have to become a janitor. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot...

John F. Kennedy Library Foundation Scholarship
In case you're too young to know it, JFK was the Bill Clinton of the 1960s -- except that he landed much hotter chicks in his extramarital affairs. What he did back then would be like George W. having an affair with Scarlett Johansson. Nice work, Jack. Oh yeah -- and he was apparently a great leader, had a brilliant mind, blah, blah, blah...

Learning for Life Scholarships
There's a whole bunch of different types of scholarships on this site. It's hard to tell what they want you to be, but it seems that "exploration" is the theme. So get your spelunkin' gear warmed up and prepare to do some explorin', Columbus. Curiosity apparently not only killed the cat, it also paid for some college.

The Lincoln Forum Scholarship
This one is for theater majors. HA HA!!!! Sorry...we couldn't resist that joke. Get it? See Lincoln was assassinated in a theater and -- oh, nevermind. Here is an interesting fact about ol' Abe -- about a year after he was killed his dog, Fido, was also murdered -- stabbed to death by a drunken lunatic. Seriously. We can't make this stuff up.

Mercedes-Benz Drive Your Future Scholarship
Ok -- we know your sorry ass is too poor to drive a Benz right now (and don't get your hopes up too high -- we ain't driving one yet and we have been out of college for a while). We suppose this is the next best thing. At least if you win this scholarship you can be associated with Mercedes Benz in some fashion. Surely you can somehow stretch that into a lie about you and a Mercedes to try to impress some unsuspecting co-ed.

NEVCO Scoreboard Scholarship Program
This one is for the student-athletes who played varsity in high school, but didn't quite make it to scholarship ability at the next level. Yes, that means you -- loser. Maybe if you could run the 40 yard dash faster you wouldn't be all worried about how you were going to pay for school. Should've practiced harder when you were young instead of dating and such, huh? Sorry, that's a little of our own frustration pouring out, there.

The Supreme Council of the Thirty Third Degree Ancient & Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry / Shepherd Scholarship
Whew...that was a mouthful. Your guess is as good as ours as to what this crazy gang is all about. They sound like they'd throw a killer party, though! Oh wait -- here, we found a description on their site. It says, "The Scottish Rite is a Masonic organization that continues a Master Mason’s education of the first three degrees. The Scottish Rite consists of the 4th through 32nd Degree and an honorary 33rd, which is awarded for exceptional service." There, that clears it up!

The Hitachi Foundation Yoshiyama Awards
Domo arigato, Mr. Hirokichi Yoshiyama. This dude is the chairman of Hitachi and apparently he is somehow in charge of giving you some money for school. Applicants must swear their allegiance to Hitachi brand electronics and prepare to die for them. Just kidding -- you just have to have good grades and stuff like that.

The Minerals, Metals and Materials Society Student Awards
Hmm...what do you suppose you have to be interested in to get this scholarship? If you can get you one of these, you rock, man! Get it? These scholarships are HARD to get, so be sure your application is ROCK SOLID! Oh boy...I'm killing me!!!!

Toyota Scholarships
There cars go forever, and their money goes a long way too! There are a few different ones here, each with very specific criteria. Thousands of dollars available for you -- at least we hope it goes to you!

The urShelf.com "Today I Won't Have to Eat Ramen Noodles" Scholarship
Before this one makes any sense, you've got to understand the horrors of eating Ramen Noodles. Some of you high school kids still freeloading off of your parents have never had to eat this crap. If you're already in college, you surely know that eating Ramen Noodles, which cost about 3 cents a metric ton, is akin to eating Brillo pads dusted with seasoning salt. These cunning lads have decided to give away money AND a case of Ramen Noodles. Keep the steel wool, chums, we'll just take the cash.

Bruce Lee Scholarship
Bruce lives! Or at least his money does. You don't have to be a Kung Fu master to win this one, grasshopper. You just have to have a 3.0 GPA or higher and be able to show you can overcome adversity and such. Oh, and 4th quarter comeback victories on Madden 2007 don't count as "overcoming adversity."

The Ellie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity Scholarship
This one focuses on something called "ethics." We've never heard of it, but it sounds very stuffy and hard to imagine. They also have a lot of talk of this so-called "humanity." Hmm...maybe it's a foreign scholarship or something, what with the fancy words and all. If you can make sense of it, give it a whirl.

The Penguin Group's Signet Classics Student Scholarship Essay Contest
You have to read Gulliver's Travels and write an essay about it to have a chance to win this one. At what point do these so-called educators start picking NEW things to read? We were made to read Gulliver's Travels sometime around the 6th grade, which was many, many years ago. Please, "educators" -- we're begging you to read a current work of literature from time to time. Give up on The Fountain Head, The Scarlet Letter, The Great Gatsby, Beowulf, Canterbury Tales, Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men and 1984. If you apply for this one we have two words for you -- Cliff's Notes.

The Marine Society Scholarships
Semper Fi, do or die -- Gung Ho! Gung Ho! Gung Ho! Oops -- wrong Marines. This is the Marine Society, which means that they play with dolphins and go SCUBA diving and cute stuff like that. As opposed to the other Marines, who are trained to drive tanks and kill without remorse.

The Davidson Institute Scholarships
This is for exceptionally smart people. We are not even sure what that means, but if you are then maybe you qualify! Awards go up to -- get this -- $50,000!

PFLAG National Scholarships
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays give away several scholarships every year in conjunction with Dow Chemical Company. You must either be gay, lesbian, transgendered or bisexual, or a supporter of gay, lesbian, transgendered and bisexual people. Lots of money given away yearly.

The Ritchie-Jennings Memorial Scholarship
This is in memory of Larry Jennings and Tracy Ritchie, both of whom were killed by unknown assailants in Pakistan as civilians working of a Texas Petroleum company. The scholarships are $1,000 each.

AAA Travel Challenge Scholarship
AAA holds a yearly travel competition with several winners receiving a portion of the $100,000 scholarship money that AAA gives out annually. If you want to get out and see the country, we can think of no better reason to do it!

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